I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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