I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
