so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
