I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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