apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize