He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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