I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
