Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
