Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
