she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
