i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
