So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
