Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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