Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
