Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
