Moan for me like Helen Keller
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
