Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
