Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
It was confusing and full of hummus
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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