I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
That accounts for only three of the penises
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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