i think my tv is drunk
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
