Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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