i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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