You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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