The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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