my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
