You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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