my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
