I cannot find my penis.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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