Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
