a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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