I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
