our cab driver is having phone sex.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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