A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm too high and old for this...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
