If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
