Pappa wants mamma naked
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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