Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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