since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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