Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You were trust falling into bushes
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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