I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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