just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
