She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
