After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
