A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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