i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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