i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
