Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
