I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
