if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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