She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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