Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Sober January is a disaster.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
