if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize