Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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