I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
