someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
