Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
