Sry I called you an 8
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
