OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
