Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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