All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
