Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
